[ Angeal pauses at the question, blinking. And, yes, looking for Sephiroth, he was afraid that might be the case.
But that question was answered, and he finds himself... Unhurt by it. Instead, his mouth quirks up at one side. Because, come on. ]
Still stuck with me.
[ The hint of a smirk solidifies, just a little, and he steps in front of Sephiroth once again, and, once again, reaches for him. Instead of wrapping a hand around his waist, he tangles fingers in a strand of silver hair. He knows. He knows that every part of him has been soaked in blood. And that doesn't scare him. ]
I'm not as fragile as I was, Seph. You waded through rage and destruction, some of it not even your own, but in very many ways, not unfounded. I sank through a pit of despair and guilt and pain.
But we're standing here, neither of us free of them, but neither are we drowning in them, anymore.
I can take your fury, and stand beside you beyond it, not because I'm invincible, impervious to it. But because hurting you back won't take away my hurt, only add to yours.
[ He lets go of the strand of hair and pokes a finger into Sephiroth's chest. ]
Don't think I won't push back, though. Just... when it's not about lashing back. You know as well as anyone that I'll put my foot down when something's gone too far.
[It's ever so carefully measured, the way Sephiroth watches Angeal. Studies him. Analyzes the way he twirls his hair between his fingers, the way he almost smiles, the unafraid way he stands with his back straight and eyes unwavering.
It seems like his mind is made up, and those words have certainly struck a nerve. ...A different one, this time. Instead of anger, he's met with a new kind of overwhelming emotion that he's not sure how to quantify. He doesn't particularly want to, because it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't like any of this.
Angeal was an honorable man, a compassionate man. Still is, after all this time. And Sephiroth just can't fathom how he can want to spend whatever time they have with a murderer. No-- not even that. He's always been a monster in its truest form. If there's one thing meddling with timelines has taught him, it's that his hands will always be bound for blood and destruction. Not kindness. Not normalcy. Not love… He turns his head away, letting a cascade of silver hair obscure his face.]
...Idiot. You only chain yourself to misery here.
[But the fury has mostly bled out of his voice, out of the sharp lines in his back and shoulders. He seems less interested in clawing Angeal's heart in two. If anything, he… seems to be looking elsewhere. Somewhere far away, lost.
Hate breeds hate. It's a cycle that can't be broken. …But it can. Right, Glenn? All it takes is a little compassion.
Ever so faintly, Sephiroth lets go of a shuddered breath at the memory, unbidden, washing over him like a tidal wave. Angeal… He knows that all too well, doesn't he? Standing here, choosing to hold Sephiroth's shattered heart even when it insists only on cutting him. His fingers slowly curl into tight fists at his sides, leather creaking. He starts to turn towards the portal again, but he pauses halfway through– like he can't decide if he wishes to leave or stay.]
[ Angeal was an honorable man. But he gave up on his honor the moment he considered himself a monster.
Monsters have no honor.
Compassion... compassion, on the other hand, he has refused to surrender, other than for himself - whatever shreds of it he had held on to before, he had let go of with the first beat of his wing. It was a long, hard road, to find out how it mattered at all, that compassion. Until he found a way, before Hollander twisted the knife in his chest with finality - a war to fight all suffering. It is why he could not return to Shinra, back then, for they caused much of the suffering he saw, but they stopped some, too. Hence, he could not join Genesis against them, either.
Compassion is also, yes, why he found a glimmer of hope, eventually, in the personal hell he had dropped himself into. And compassion led him to Sephiroth, his precious Sephiroth who was so broken, by Angeal himself included, and used and abused by force far too great to win against. Why he hopes - not for himself, still, but for this man. ]
I've called myself that, and worse.
But not for being yours.
[ Do as you will.
This time, it's Angeal's hand that wraps around Sephiroth's collar, holding him in place as he steps closer and claims a kiss. ]
[But not for being yours, Angeal says, and another scoff presses out from between Sephiroth's tongue and teeth. Perhaps you should, is what he's about to say, until Angeal's hand finds the collar of his jacket, anchoring him in place. He's promptly silenced by that familiar mouth pressing against his own; he doesn't fight it or attempt to jerk himself away from the man.
If anything, he - without thinking - starts to chase after Angeal's lips when the kiss breaks before he remembers himself. Even now, like this, Angeal still has a powerful sway over him... just like he always has. And for trying to pretend like that's no longer the case? Sephiroth is an idiot, too. He still thinks he's trapping Angeal here somehow, still doesn't like it, but...
Angeal is a stubborn, stubborn man.
If he's determined to stay, there's no force on Gaia that will move him. He's always been that way-- the sturdy mountain of their little group. Immovable yet sheltering.
And for the first time, that leaves Sephiroth unsure of what to do in this moment. His desire hasn't exactly cooled, and the anger is only tempered to a manageable level, but... they've broken a little ground here, too. Not quite soft-- and it won't be for a while. Not until Sephiroth works through his catastrophically tangled mess of emotions.
But it's a step in the right direction.
Eventually, however... Sephiroth settles on seeking an answer to the question that's been burning in his lungs ever since Angeal began offering him kind words and forgiveness.]
...Why? If you've seen what I've become, then you know there is nothing here worth staying for.
[ Angeal doesn't let go, nor does he step back far, but he doesn't press himself closer, either. Letting Sephiroth find his own pace... and processing himself, also, what did happen. Taking the moment, too, to consider properly why things broke, and, yes, he can see, a little, how him taking in the pain would have turned Sephiroth away - not from Angeal. But from Sephiroth himself.
Ah.
Why...
He doesn't flinch back at the question, but he does consider, eyes still on Sephiroth. ]
There are many answers to that one. Some are selfish, others painful, and the deepest ones probably hard to believe, and all of them are true.
I want you. I see nothing for myself unless I am by your side, and I don't see anything getting better for you unless I am by yours, too. I need to atone, for leaving you alone when you needed me most. I also want to find out who you are now. Yes, you did horrible things, but how much was you not fighting another's will, and how much is what you would have done free of it? It makes a difference to me, even if nothing can take back what has been done.
When all is said and done...
The men we used to be are gone. The men who were heroes, the men who wanted to end that which creates suffering. [ His shoulders drip in shame, just a little, but he doesn't let his gaze drop. ] I'm here because I believe there is someone worth staying for, right in front of me. Who is in constant pain, and sees no path forward that makes any difference. And I want to find that hidden path. With you. I want to find out who we will become. Together, as we always should have been.
Why? Because even as you are, you are still my light in the darkness. Even if you don't believe you can be. Even if I am drawn like a moth to a flame - it is better than despair. But I won't burn that easily.
[Angeal's words reach him, and it only makes Sephiroth want to retreat further back behind his icy veneer. He's not ready to confront being wanted, being made someone else's purpose, and certainly not having his sins forgiven. Something wavers in Sephiroth's sharp eyes, something he's quick to strangle down beneath his anger and obstinance.]
No. Do not try to make me your light, Angeal. That is a weight I cannot carry-- for you or anyone else.
[Because damn if he hasn't already tried. Cloud saved him from Jenova, showed him how to be something approaching human again, but even then-- Sephiroth continued to hurt him despite every dogged attempt not to. He tried to be a man deserving of love and kindness, and never quite measured up. If he couldn't even do that for Cloud, how the hell is he supposed to do it for Angeal?]
You're putting me on a pedastal I don't want. [...Or deserve.] Furthermore... the way you speak of me tells me you grasp little of the gravity of my actions-- or that I was complicit in much of it. Jenova was but a piece of the puzzle.
I - alone - wanted the world to burn. [And some part of him still does. The only thing that has stopped him from being subsumed by that fury all over again is Cloud. And now-- Angeal is here - alive - again, speaking of wanting to forge a new path together and carve their own little place in the world again and--]
You don't understand--
[A stark-white pain splits through Sephiroth's skull, jarring a hiss from him. He jerks free of Angeal's grasp to turn away, cradling his face in a gloved hand. It's a familiar pain. Jenova. She always tries to eke in when Sephiroth begins to question, to doubt, to fall apart. He's had plenty of practice at warding her off, but-- she's too much a part of him for Sephiroth to ever truly be free. After all, that's why the Lifestream has refused him again, and again, and again--
She finally quiets... Sephiroth's voice is much softer when he speaks again-- but twice as sharp.]
...If you stay, I will hurt you.
[It's not a question or a threat. It's simply the truth.]
[ His voice is low and quiet, and rather than the near question which might make Sephiroth think the doubts him (he thinks it's not the entire truth), he adds, ]
Then let it be so.
[ It's not the entire truth, not with the pain that he can see coming to his man. And he doesn't try to hold Sephiroth again, but he does place one warm palm on his back, above the wing. ]
I'll be ready when you do hurt me. But, just as certain as you are that you will, I know that, if I'm not next to you, I'll be hurting us both. Every moment.
I won't make you my light. But, please. Pain and pleasure, despair and reality. Let me be your Angeal again.
[That hand on Sephiroth's back, so temptingly close to his wing, beckons an instinctual reaction. But he's not quite sure if its a pleasant shiver or a tense bristle. Maybe a little bit of both. He listens intently as Angeal asserts that he's prepared to be hurt, and finds himself wondering how prepared he really is. If he really knows what he's signing up for.
Let me be your Angeal again.
How long has he yearned to hear those words? ...And yet, all he can do is snap his walls up soundly around himself and pull away.]
If that is your wish, so be it... But allow me to make one thing perfectly clear.
[He pivots again, just enough that Angeal is met with the full force of that icy serpentine stare of his. Intent. Deadly serious.]
Should you leave again, you will not be welcome here. Don't bother coming back.
[He doesn't have the strength of heart to forgive another betrayal. He's too bitter, too angry. Not just at Angeal but then world in its entirety. As it stands, it's already going to take time and patience from them both before they're in a place where Sephiroth feels capable of relenting to moments of sweetness.
His love for Angeal is a double-edged sword right now. It hasn't faded at all in its intensity and depth, but it's because of that that he can't quite bring himself to trust him yet. Angeal has already left twice, and Sephiroth's heart will irreparably shatter if he lets him in only for him to leave a third time.
Angeal will need to prove that he can be his Angeal again.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But that question was answered, and he finds himself... Unhurt by it. Instead, his mouth quirks up at one side. Because, come on. ]
Still stuck with me.
[ The hint of a smirk solidifies, just a little, and he steps in front of Sephiroth once again, and, once again, reaches for him. Instead of wrapping a hand around his waist, he tangles fingers in a strand of silver hair. He knows. He knows that every part of him has been soaked in blood. And that doesn't scare him. ]
I'm not as fragile as I was, Seph. You waded through rage and destruction, some of it not even your own, but in very many ways, not unfounded. I sank through a pit of despair and guilt and pain.
But we're standing here, neither of us free of them, but neither are we drowning in them, anymore.
I can take your fury, and stand beside you beyond it, not because I'm invincible, impervious to it. But because hurting you back won't take away my hurt, only add to yours.
[ He lets go of the strand of hair and pokes a finger into Sephiroth's chest. ]
Don't think I won't push back, though. Just... when it's not about lashing back. You know as well as anyone that I'll put my foot down when something's gone too far.
no subject
It seems like his mind is made up, and those words have certainly struck a nerve. ...A different one, this time. Instead of anger, he's met with a new kind of overwhelming emotion that he's not sure how to quantify. He doesn't particularly want to, because it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't like any of this.
Angeal was an honorable man, a compassionate man. Still is, after all this time. And Sephiroth just can't fathom how he can want to spend whatever time they have with a murderer. No-- not even that. He's always been a monster in its truest form. If there's one thing meddling with timelines has taught him, it's that his hands will always be bound for blood and destruction. Not kindness. Not normalcy. Not love… He turns his head away, letting a cascade of silver hair obscure his face.]
...Idiot. You only chain yourself to misery here.
[But the fury has mostly bled out of his voice, out of the sharp lines in his back and shoulders. He seems less interested in clawing Angeal's heart in two. If anything, he… seems to be looking elsewhere. Somewhere far away, lost.
Hate breeds hate. It's a cycle that can't be broken. …But it can. Right, Glenn? All it takes is a little compassion.
Ever so faintly, Sephiroth lets go of a shuddered breath at the memory, unbidden, washing over him like a tidal wave. Angeal… He knows that all too well, doesn't he? Standing here, choosing to hold Sephiroth's shattered heart even when it insists only on cutting him. His fingers slowly curl into tight fists at his sides, leather creaking. He starts to turn towards the portal again, but he pauses halfway through– like he can't decide if he wishes to leave or stay.]
--But do as you will.
no subject
Monsters have no honor.
Compassion... compassion, on the other hand, he has refused to surrender, other than for himself - whatever shreds of it he had held on to before, he had let go of with the first beat of his wing. It was a long, hard road, to find out how it mattered at all, that compassion. Until he found a way, before Hollander twisted the knife in his chest with finality - a war to fight all suffering. It is why he could not return to Shinra, back then, for they caused much of the suffering he saw, but they stopped some, too. Hence, he could not join Genesis against them, either.
Compassion is also, yes, why he found a glimmer of hope, eventually, in the personal hell he had dropped himself into. And compassion led him to Sephiroth, his precious Sephiroth who was so broken, by Angeal himself included, and used and abused by force far too great to win against. Why he hopes - not for himself, still, but for this man. ]
I've called myself that, and worse.
But not for being yours.
[ Do as you will.
This time, it's Angeal's hand that wraps around Sephiroth's collar, holding him in place as he steps closer and claims a kiss. ]
This. This is what I will.
no subject
If anything, he - without thinking - starts to chase after Angeal's lips when the kiss breaks before he remembers himself. Even now, like this, Angeal still has a powerful sway over him... just like he always has. And for trying to pretend like that's no longer the case? Sephiroth is an idiot, too. He still thinks he's trapping Angeal here somehow, still doesn't like it, but...
Angeal is a stubborn, stubborn man.
If he's determined to stay, there's no force on Gaia that will move him. He's always been that way-- the sturdy mountain of their little group. Immovable yet sheltering.
And for the first time, that leaves Sephiroth unsure of what to do in this moment. His desire hasn't exactly cooled, and the anger is only tempered to a manageable level, but... they've broken a little ground here, too. Not quite soft-- and it won't be for a while. Not until Sephiroth works through his catastrophically tangled mess of emotions.
But it's a step in the right direction.
Eventually, however... Sephiroth settles on seeking an answer to the question that's been burning in his lungs ever since Angeal began offering him kind words and forgiveness.]
...Why? If you've seen what I've become, then you know there is nothing here worth staying for.
no subject
Ah.
Why...
He doesn't flinch back at the question, but he does consider, eyes still on Sephiroth. ]
There are many answers to that one. Some are selfish, others painful, and the deepest ones probably hard to believe, and all of them are true.
I want you. I see nothing for myself unless I am by your side, and I don't see anything getting better for you unless I am by yours, too. I need to atone, for leaving you alone when you needed me most. I also want to find out who you are now. Yes, you did horrible things, but how much was you not fighting another's will, and how much is what you would have done free of it? It makes a difference to me, even if nothing can take back what has been done.
When all is said and done...
The men we used to be are gone. The men who were heroes, the men who wanted to end that which creates suffering. [ His shoulders drip in shame, just a little, but he doesn't let his gaze drop. ] I'm here because I believe there is someone worth staying for, right in front of me. Who is in constant pain, and sees no path forward that makes any difference. And I want to find that hidden path. With you. I want to find out who we will become. Together, as we always should have been.
Why? Because even as you are, you are still my light in the darkness. Even if you don't believe you can be. Even if I am drawn like a moth to a flame - it is better than despair. But I won't burn that easily.
no subject
No. Do not try to make me your light, Angeal. That is a weight I cannot carry-- for you or anyone else.
[Because damn if he hasn't already tried. Cloud saved him from Jenova, showed him how to be something approaching human again, but even then-- Sephiroth continued to hurt him despite every dogged attempt not to. He tried to be a man deserving of love and kindness, and never quite measured up. If he couldn't even do that for Cloud, how the hell is he supposed to do it for Angeal?]
You're putting me on a pedastal I don't want. [...Or deserve.] Furthermore... the way you speak of me tells me you grasp little of the gravity of my actions-- or that I was complicit in much of it. Jenova was but a piece of the puzzle.
I - alone - wanted the world to burn. [And some part of him still does. The only thing that has stopped him from being subsumed by that fury all over again is Cloud. And now-- Angeal is here - alive - again, speaking of wanting to forge a new path together and carve their own little place in the world again and--]
You don't understand--
[A stark-white pain splits through Sephiroth's skull, jarring a hiss from him. He jerks free of Angeal's grasp to turn away, cradling his face in a gloved hand. It's a familiar pain. Jenova. She always tries to eke in when Sephiroth begins to question, to doubt, to fall apart. He's had plenty of practice at warding her off, but-- she's too much a part of him for Sephiroth to ever truly be free. After all, that's why the Lifestream has refused him again, and again, and again--
She finally quiets... Sephiroth's voice is much softer when he speaks again-- but twice as sharp.]
...If you stay, I will hurt you.
[It's not a question or a threat. It's simply the truth.]
no subject
[ His voice is low and quiet, and rather than the near question which might make Sephiroth think the doubts him (he thinks it's not the entire truth), he adds, ]
Then let it be so.
[ It's not the entire truth, not with the pain that he can see coming to his man. And he doesn't try to hold Sephiroth again, but he does place one warm palm on his back, above the wing. ]
I'll be ready when you do hurt me. But, just as certain as you are that you will, I know that, if I'm not next to you, I'll be hurting us both. Every moment.
I won't make you my light. But, please. Pain and pleasure, despair and reality. Let me be your Angeal again.
no subject
Let me be your Angeal again.
How long has he yearned to hear those words? ...And yet, all he can do is snap his walls up soundly around himself and pull away.]
If that is your wish, so be it... But allow me to make one thing perfectly clear.
[He pivots again, just enough that Angeal is met with the full force of that icy serpentine stare of his. Intent. Deadly serious.]
Should you leave again, you will not be welcome here. Don't bother coming back.
[He doesn't have the strength of heart to forgive another betrayal. He's too bitter, too angry. Not just at Angeal but then world in its entirety. As it stands, it's already going to take time and patience from them both before they're in a place where Sephiroth feels capable of relenting to moments of sweetness.
His love for Angeal is a double-edged sword right now. It hasn't faded at all in its intensity and depth, but it's because of that that he can't quite bring himself to trust him yet. Angeal has already left twice, and Sephiroth's heart will irreparably shatter if he lets him in only for him to leave a third time.
Angeal will need to prove that he can be his Angeal again.]
no subject